Reliving

Tonight we went to my brother's house for a family bbq. It was nice, but was really hard tonight. It might be, because I walked in to see my nephew, Jacob, with a sling on as clear evidence of his recent shoulder surgery. It was 3 days ago, and out-patient. I could tell he was in a lot of pain. Although I knew about the surgery, I was taken aback when I saw him. It was unsettling for me, because it took me right to the hospital settings. So tired of the hospital settings.

I am reliving a lot of the things that my mom went through, and when I walked in to find her hooked up to what seemed to be every possible machine. All I could do was sit down and cry. I felt sick to my stomach. The nurse came in, put her hand on my shoulder, said I know this can be overwhelming, let me know if I can do anything for you, closed the door, and walked out.

I so miss my mom. My aunt (my mom's sister) was at my brother's tonight. She lives up north, but is in town for a few weeks. As nice as it is to see her, it just reminds me that much more how much I miss my mom. That's just about it, I sit here overwhelmed with grief, and the tears streaming down my face. I miss my mom.

I am glad that Summer is coming soon. I am finding it hard to have the energy to do anything these days. The added stress of the end of the year, feels overwhelming right now. I just don't care about anything. Nothing is exciting. But, I do have to say, that I am enjoying Chloe a great deal. She is my joy. Because I don't feel like doing anything, I am taking the time to play with, and have long conversations with Chloe. She is a lot of fun. She is getting so old. She is a little girl. When did she grow up?

To focus on the fun, Chloe is about to lose her first tooth. She was eating something tonight, turned to me with a grimace on her face and said, "My tooth broke." I asked her to show me. I touched her teeth, and the one tooth moved a great deal. She was very excited to tell everyone that her tooth is loose. We have talked to her about the fact that she is growing up, and when she loses her teeth, she will be getting her "adult teeth"...she is very excited about this since she has seen her two older cousins go through it. She was forced to put her hand over her teeth to cover them because Uncle Craig threatened to take it out.

Time for me to let the emotions flow...it helps to cry...