Missing My Family

I am sitting here thinking I should head to bed. It is getting late considering I need to go to work tomorrow. I've had the week off, and am not wanting to go back to work tomorrow. I could use more time. I guess if I could go back to work, stress free (hahaha) that would be terrific. I'm just not emotionally ready to deal with the stress that work creates.

I am still feeling down, and I know the added stress from work will just make matters worse. I am trying to look forward to things, but am not finding it easy. I took time today to play with Chloe, one-on-one. THAT was very much needed! She is a lot of fun to talk to. She is so expressive with everything she says. We watched "Between the Lions" together. She would tell me what was going to happen before it did, and then say "Seeee? Told ya!" I'd be like, "Was I arguing with you?" She said, "Yup." LOL I guess it just goes back to the innocence and simple things in life.

Yesterday was Ed's mom and dad's anniversary. We had the King's Easter yesterday instead of last week. It was a nice get together. We went to the park for a little while with all of the kids. I just love watching the kids play and interact with each other. Then, some of us walked back to Amy's house (Ed's sister) while others drove back. We had BBQ food and just hung out.

I don't know, I'm just feeling empty tonight. Lost I guess. Nothing is what is was, too many of our family not here. Just miss them, and want them back! Hard to imagine that we won't see them, again. We have a family wedding this summer. My cousin is getting married, and I am looking forward to it. But, I can't help but also remember how empty and lonely I felt at a second cousin's wedding last year. We used to need two tables to fit all of our families. Last year, our losses were so glaring. Both of my uncles passed away in 2000 (February and June). That left both of my aunts by themselves. It has bothered me before, but without my mom and dad to fill the gap, wow! I realized on that trip, that all of my "constants" were no longer with us. Whenever there was an out-of-town event, Ed and I always went, and so did my mom and dad. My sister lived in Wisconsin, and she too would always make the trip. Darcy would come with my niece, Lexi, whether her husband could come or not. She always wanted to see the family - my mom and dad mainly, and then everyone else. Both of my brothers would occasionally make the trip. But, it was always the five of us (Ed, me, mom, dad, and Darcy - Lexi most times). So, here I am at this wedding with all of my siblings, including my brother-in-law Bill, and none of my "constants". I honestly don't know how I made it through. It was the worst time I've ever had at a wedding. I knew it would be bad, but bad doesn't begin to describe it...nothing can. Ed and I normally love weddings, and that wedding has left me and probably Ed, wondering if we will ever enjoy another wedding. They used to bring us back to our wedding day, and our memories of our family on that day. For Ed, he always talks about how my dad and I looked when the doors at the back of the church were opened and the sunshine caused nothing but a silhouette. Another fond memory is that of Ed's mom. She always cried during these times. So, I guess that is where I'm at emotionally.

I feel like I need to go to work tomorrow feeling refreshed and ready to go, and I don't feel that way at all. I will try to put on a good face. But, I am finding that tiring. At first I didn't realize I was putting on a good face. But, learned that by how I reacted during some interactions I had with others, when I was feeling really down. Anyways, I think people feel I should be over it, and be moving forward. What they don't know is that grief is a process and it will come and go for a very long time, if not the rest of my life. They don't get it! I think I need to join another grief group. I just don't feel like anyone understands where I am except Ed and a grief group. I get so angry when people try to give me advice on how to "make it better". It sucks! (I hate that word, but stinks just doesn't express the right emotion.) I have had times where I have felt better, and that's great. But I also want to be able to feel angry or lonely or empty and not have people try to make me feel better. I'm not refusing to move forward, I don't dwell on things, they come back to me. When they come back to me, I need to deal with those emotions and not try to push them away.

Okay, sorry about that. It's time for me to go to bed. Thanks for "listening".