Just a Quick Note

Today is Ed's mom's birthday. She has been on my mind all week. We miss her dearly, and all the trouble that she caused. ;) As I've told others, Ed is definitely her son. We love and miss you, mom.

We will be spending time with Ed's family tomorrow for Dawn's birthday (very close friend of the family - she is family). We are going to have a picnic in the park. I am looking forward to watching the kids play. Nancy (Ed's mom) would have loved to watch the kids play. She was always laughing as she watched them. She got the biggest kick out of her grandchildren, especially when they are being "evil". She taught them well...through her own children.

That reminded me of another time, that Nancy would have loved to see the kids. We were at Christine's (Ed's sister), and all the kids were swimming in the pool. It became a pick on each other time, and everyone in the pool was either targeted, or targeting. It was a blast. Our nephew, Ethan, was the funniest...he is usually, the quieter one of the four kids (at the time, now we are five). He had the King glint in his eye, he was cracking up, and picking on Uncle Ed. He was dunking Ed, and getting him wet. He LOVED it. I remember thinking at the time, that Nancy would have been loving every minute of that. She really added life to our family get togethers.

Forever in our hearts, remembering the happy times...We love you!

Taken from a Friend

I was just reading a friend's blog, and she had this poem there. It really hits home, and says things so well. I found it comforting. I will keep her name anonymous, but share her poem.

I Find Your Love

.

I'll catch your smile on someone's face

Your whisper in the wind's embrace

Through diamond stars and songs and dreams

I find your love in everything

The sun, the sky, the rolling sea

All conspire to comfort me

From sorrow's edge life's beauty seems

To find your love in everything

I've come to trust the hope it brings

To find your love in everything

Even as I fall apart,

Even through my shattered heart

I'll catch your smile on someone's face.....amazing grace

Reliving

Tonight we went to my brother's house for a family bbq. It was nice, but was really hard tonight. It might be, because I walked in to see my nephew, Jacob, with a sling on as clear evidence of his recent shoulder surgery. It was 3 days ago, and out-patient. I could tell he was in a lot of pain. Although I knew about the surgery, I was taken aback when I saw him. It was unsettling for me, because it took me right to the hospital settings. So tired of the hospital settings.

I am reliving a lot of the things that my mom went through, and when I walked in to find her hooked up to what seemed to be every possible machine. All I could do was sit down and cry. I felt sick to my stomach. The nurse came in, put her hand on my shoulder, said I know this can be overwhelming, let me know if I can do anything for you, closed the door, and walked out.

I so miss my mom. My aunt (my mom's sister) was at my brother's tonight. She lives up north, but is in town for a few weeks. As nice as it is to see her, it just reminds me that much more how much I miss my mom. That's just about it, I sit here overwhelmed with grief, and the tears streaming down my face. I miss my mom.

I am glad that Summer is coming soon. I am finding it hard to have the energy to do anything these days. The added stress of the end of the year, feels overwhelming right now. I just don't care about anything. Nothing is exciting. But, I do have to say, that I am enjoying Chloe a great deal. She is my joy. Because I don't feel like doing anything, I am taking the time to play with, and have long conversations with Chloe. She is a lot of fun. She is getting so old. She is a little girl. When did she grow up?

To focus on the fun, Chloe is about to lose her first tooth. She was eating something tonight, turned to me with a grimace on her face and said, "My tooth broke." I asked her to show me. I touched her teeth, and the one tooth moved a great deal. She was very excited to tell everyone that her tooth is loose. We have talked to her about the fact that she is growing up, and when she loses her teeth, she will be getting her "adult teeth"...she is very excited about this since she has seen her two older cousins go through it. She was forced to put her hand over her teeth to cover them because Uncle Craig threatened to take it out.

Time for me to let the emotions flow...it helps to cry...

The Best Part of My Day

Today is a day that I would have just stayed in bed. I was so comfy. Anyway, in keeping with that (that staying in bed was a good idea), this whole day has been a struggle...from traffic, to talking, to leaving work, to getting home, the list goes on...

Ed and I were going to go to Larry's cottage at Garland this weekend. Although it was disappointing not to go, it was good that we didn't. Talk about frustrating...we would never have gotten out of town, and then the traffic would have been unbearable with the way the day was going.

Poor Ed is completely miserable. His allergies are so bad, that his face is visibly swollen. I had a sinus infection two weeks ago, and was completely miserable. I can't imagine how he is feeling.

Has anyone seen, "Ocean's Eleven"? In the movie, there's a line that Brad Pitt delivers. He says, "This is just the best part of my day." - Well, Chloe just climbed into my lap, and eventually laid her head down. She fell asleep, while sitting with me. Feeling melty. I love it when she falls asleep in my arms. It's been a long time. I remember taking naps while holding Chloe, in this same chair. She was a wee little one. So, that's where, the title "The Best Part of My Day", comes from.

Good Night, All!
I'm falling asleep as I am typing. One of these times I'm going to blink and my eyes aren't going to open, I'm going to go nuh-nigh.

Missing My Family

I am sitting here thinking I should head to bed. It is getting late considering I need to go to work tomorrow. I've had the week off, and am not wanting to go back to work tomorrow. I could use more time. I guess if I could go back to work, stress free (hahaha) that would be terrific. I'm just not emotionally ready to deal with the stress that work creates.

I am still feeling down, and I know the added stress from work will just make matters worse. I am trying to look forward to things, but am not finding it easy. I took time today to play with Chloe, one-on-one. THAT was very much needed! She is a lot of fun to talk to. She is so expressive with everything she says. We watched "Between the Lions" together. She would tell me what was going to happen before it did, and then say "Seeee? Told ya!" I'd be like, "Was I arguing with you?" She said, "Yup." LOL I guess it just goes back to the innocence and simple things in life.

Yesterday was Ed's mom and dad's anniversary. We had the King's Easter yesterday instead of last week. It was a nice get together. We went to the park for a little while with all of the kids. I just love watching the kids play and interact with each other. Then, some of us walked back to Amy's house (Ed's sister) while others drove back. We had BBQ food and just hung out.

I don't know, I'm just feeling empty tonight. Lost I guess. Nothing is what is was, too many of our family not here. Just miss them, and want them back! Hard to imagine that we won't see them, again. We have a family wedding this summer. My cousin is getting married, and I am looking forward to it. But, I can't help but also remember how empty and lonely I felt at a second cousin's wedding last year. We used to need two tables to fit all of our families. Last year, our losses were so glaring. Both of my uncles passed away in 2000 (February and June). That left both of my aunts by themselves. It has bothered me before, but without my mom and dad to fill the gap, wow! I realized on that trip, that all of my "constants" were no longer with us. Whenever there was an out-of-town event, Ed and I always went, and so did my mom and dad. My sister lived in Wisconsin, and she too would always make the trip. Darcy would come with my niece, Lexi, whether her husband could come or not. She always wanted to see the family - my mom and dad mainly, and then everyone else. Both of my brothers would occasionally make the trip. But, it was always the five of us (Ed, me, mom, dad, and Darcy - Lexi most times). So, here I am at this wedding with all of my siblings, including my brother-in-law Bill, and none of my "constants". I honestly don't know how I made it through. It was the worst time I've ever had at a wedding. I knew it would be bad, but bad doesn't begin to describe it...nothing can. Ed and I normally love weddings, and that wedding has left me and probably Ed, wondering if we will ever enjoy another wedding. They used to bring us back to our wedding day, and our memories of our family on that day. For Ed, he always talks about how my dad and I looked when the doors at the back of the church were opened and the sunshine caused nothing but a silhouette. Another fond memory is that of Ed's mom. She always cried during these times. So, I guess that is where I'm at emotionally.

I feel like I need to go to work tomorrow feeling refreshed and ready to go, and I don't feel that way at all. I will try to put on a good face. But, I am finding that tiring. At first I didn't realize I was putting on a good face. But, learned that by how I reacted during some interactions I had with others, when I was feeling really down. Anyways, I think people feel I should be over it, and be moving forward. What they don't know is that grief is a process and it will come and go for a very long time, if not the rest of my life. They don't get it! I think I need to join another grief group. I just don't feel like anyone understands where I am except Ed and a grief group. I get so angry when people try to give me advice on how to "make it better". It sucks! (I hate that word, but stinks just doesn't express the right emotion.) I have had times where I have felt better, and that's great. But I also want to be able to feel angry or lonely or empty and not have people try to make me feel better. I'm not refusing to move forward, I don't dwell on things, they come back to me. When they come back to me, I need to deal with those emotions and not try to push them away.

Okay, sorry about that. It's time for me to go to bed. Thanks for "listening".

Back After a Long Absence

I've recently decided to start blogging, again. I think of it as therapeutic. What to say? I'm not sure. I am feeling down these days. I am really missing our family. I don't dwell on it, there are just so many dates and reminders of our loved ones. I once figured out that with 4 family members, between birthdays, wedding anniversaries, illness anniversaries, death anniversaries, holidays, key dates anniversaries, we have a lot of dates to "get through". Overall, I think we have done quite well, but it is and will continue to be quite a rollercoaster. I tend to talk about our family and hope it doesn't make others feel uncomfortable. It helps me to relive the good times and who they were.

In order to keep Chloe's memories alive, we have pointed out a fun phrase that each of our family members said or shared with her. Chloe was only 15 months old when my dad passed away. But, he dearly loved his dog, Skipper. Skipper is a Golden Retriever, they are the most loving dogs. Anyways, when we would go over to my parent's house, my dad would be holding Skipper by the collar so we could get in the door, and he would chuckle (I can still hear it) and say, "Hey Skip, there's that funny looking puppy, again." Of course, he was referring to Chloe. It always made me smile because I knew how much my dad loved his puppies. For my mom, she used to make this "Mmmm, mmm,mmm,mmm,mmm" sound in a specific way to get Chloe to try new foods. Chloe would then take a bite of food, and repeat after my mom. It was so cute. My sister taught her to say "Nanner, nanner" to Ed. I think we can all totally understand that one. And, last but not least, Ed's mom would get the biggest kick out of Chloe. Chloe would be acting "evil" with a glint (King glint of trouble) in her eye, and do something troublesome. Ed's mom would laugh, almost cackle (I can still here her, too.) and say "Chloe, -insert cackle here- yer Cool!" They all enjoyed her so much. That is probably one of the hardest things for Ed and I to deal with is that They don't get to see Chloe grow up, and Chloe doesn't get to know them. I am very committed to keeping their memories alive through stories. I know that's how I learned about my Nono (Grandpa in Italian - he died when I was 4). I just loved stories about him, and learned so much. So, through stories, she will get to know her dear relatives.

Well, I gotta head to bed for the evening.

My First Post

I am new to blogging. I just finished reading all of my husband's posts, many of which brought tears to my eyes, and at the same time, joy to my heart. Reading his thoughts tells the story of our life, especially these last few years. But, it also tells the story of the love we have, and the love of our family. Thank you for your caring support of Ed.

Without going into too much detail at this time, we have lost 4 close family members since September 2005. September 2005 - My dad, Edward at age 72 from lung cancer that moved to spinal cancer died at home; June 2006 - My sister, Darcy at age 43 was diagnosed with lung cancer; February 2007 - Darcy's treatments are not successful, and she decided to stop her treatments for a better quality of life; April 2007 - My mom, Peggy at age 71 is having more and more medical concerns, and after a fall in a parking lot, where she hit her head because she blacked out, we continue with more regular hospital and doctor's visits (without getting any answers - all tests turn out fine); August 2007 - Peggy at age 72 passes away due to complications from diverticulitis because of her kidney disease; September 2007 - Darcy passes away at home after her battle with lung cancer; November 2007 - My mother-in-law. Nancy at the age of 63 passes away after being hospitalized with pneumonia. Her doctors did not expect her to pass away, and we chose not to have an autopsy. Her cause of death remains unknown, but was speculated by her doctors to be a blood clot, or heart attack.

As Ed expressed in one of his blogs, it is as if all color in life is gone. These past few years have been, and continue to be extremely difficult. Without the love and support of many, we would not be doing as well as we are. We have grieved and continue to grieve our losses. But the love and support of our family and friends makes it somewhat more bearable. Thank you!

On a more positive note, Ed has recently been employed. I have renewed my teaching certificate after taking two graduate classes this summer, and am looking forward to a new school year (I teach 5th graders.). This last month of summer, we have been able to enjoy our summer a little more. Chloe's playset was completed, Chloe has learned how to write her name, ride her bike with training wheels, and swim without her water wings. I can't believe how much she is learning, growing, and changing. She is getting bigger whether we want her to or not! Chloe turned 4 in June. :)

Again, thank you to everyone that has shared their care and concern. More posts will follow.

Remember, to take time to take care of each other!